Dad jokes
New Year's
14 jokes, all of them clean
New Year's jokes are about 2 things: resolutions nobody keeps, and the calendar itself. Both are already slightly funny before anybody adds a punchline, which is why this page runs shorter and drier than the other holidays.
What's a New Year's resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Why did the calendar look so sad on January 1? Its days were numbered.
Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punch line.
What does a ghost say on January 1? "Happy Boo Year!"
Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on December 31? To start the year with sweet dreams.
What's a cow's favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve.
Why do you need a jeweler on New Year's Eve? To ring in the new year.
Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer? To start the year off cool.
What do snowmen like to do on New Year's Eve? Chill.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year… but then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father? Pop.
My New Year's resolution is 1080p. Crystal clear.
Why did the calendar go on a diet? It had too many dates.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
The joke is usually the truth
In one year and out the other is not really a pun. It is an accurate description of what happens to a resolution, said in the shape of an old idiom. That is the mode this whole page runs in — most of these are observations wearing a joke's clothes. It makes them land differently. A groan, but a slightly rueful one, which is rarer than it sounds on a site like this.
The countdown window
These have the narrowest useful window of anything here. About 36 hours. Nobody wants a New Year's joke in March. Worth pulling this page up on the 31st, taking 2, and letting the rest sit until next year. The punch line one is the reliable pick for a room that has already had some.
The one to actually use
The resolution one. It is barely a pun — it just takes an old idiom about ears and points it at a calendar — and it lands harder than anything else here because it happens to be true. Most of this page runs on accuracy rather than wordplay. That gives it a slightly rueful quality you do not get anywhere else on this site, and it is the reason this short page is worth reading on the 31st.
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